Tree Shit

We bought our first real Christmas tree this weekend! I now feel incredibly wholesome and maternal, especially because it's already decorated. It's literally dripping in red and gold bling.

Because this is the first time I've ever been responsible for a tree, I'm just now realizing that Christmas trees kind of fucking suck. I believe this is why we usually find trees outside and not in our homes.

First of all, it takes up approximately 1/3 of our house's 800 total square feet.

Secondly, my newly crawling daughter keeps eating and choking on tree shit.

Lastly, I am living in constant fear that our bulldog is going to a) piss on it or b) hump it, knock it over, and c)kill someone or d) just make a giant mess. Any of these scenarios would really piss me off.

Happy F*cking Holidays

Adolescent Angst

Aside from laundry piles and baby poop disasters, the formal essay is the most frequently reoccuring challenge in my life. I obviously like to write. I obviously have things to say. Why do I have so much trouble starting an essay? I have a 6-page paper due on Monday for my Adolescent Lit class. Blegggh. I've procrastinated for an entire week, and I'm now forcing myself to acknowledge the impending deadline.

I've decided to procrastinate further by blogging about my angst. I'm hoping that this will get the creative juices a-flowing.

What is this terrible essay assignment anyway? Well, dear reader, it's not a terrible essay assignment. I am just a terrible essay-starter. I make a really big deal out of getting started on my papers. I work myself up, I talk to people in a whiny, impatient tone (especially if someone actually needs something from me), my skin gets itchy, I pace, I have uncontrollable gas, I go on killing sprees... you get the idea. (I'm kidding about the gas!) Anyhmm, my professor is asking us to discuss the themes of alienation and identity in any four novels we've read this semester.

Tit, right?

So why am I making this so hard?

:-(

I need an opener. Like a quote. Or a WOW thing. I can't get started without one.

I'm really open to any suggestions you've got. Actually, you probably shouldn't even talk to me unless you've got something good. I'm on edge, and I really don't have time for your shit.

See what I mean?