I Got 99 Problems, But Only 4 Have Been Kind of a Bitch Lately

Dear Diary,

I have 4 life goals, and they are listed below:

1. Lose 30 lbs.
2. Get the clean laundry out of my dining room and into my closets
3. Get laid more regularly
4. Get my kids to go the fuck to sleep at 8pm


*Note: Numbers 3 and 4 actually have nothing to do with each other. (Number 1 could probably help with Number 3.)

I'm 26, so my list should probably include other stuff, like owning a home, visiting Europe, getting married, retiring before death, etc. Honestly, though, if a genie showed up in my apartment RIGHT NOW, and for whatever reason offered me 4 wishes instead of the standard 3, those would be my top picks.

If the genie was a stingy bitch, and only offered 1 wish, I'd pick Number 4. The biggest parenting issue I've had lately has been finding an effective bedtime strategy. James and Cece share a room, so they've formed a rebel alliance. James sleeps in a bed (versus a crib, if you were wondering, which is biggest mistake I've ever made), and gets up whenever he wants.  Cece's limited to the confines of her crib, so she just screams. We live in an apartment building, so I can't ignore it; I always end up back in their room, begging Cece to be quiet. I sometimes bribe her with Goldfish.  She uses my fear of eviction to her advantage.

I thought that hanging this above her crib would help.

It did not.

I implemented the strict bedtime policy back in March, when we moved into our apartment. My kids have actually both gone to sleep by 8pm approx. zero times since then. It's August, so that's like, 8 months of failure. I put them to bed 26-27 nights per month, so do the math (because I'm too tired). I've googled bedtime tips, but all I've found is a lot of common fucking sense that I've obviously already tried. The only thing I've found that's worth sharing is this link. For those of you who aren't curious enough to check it out, I'll cut to the chase: it's Samuel L. Jackson's reading of the book Go the F**k to Sleep, by Ricardo Cortes.

It's now 9:25, and I can hear James playing in his room. At 8:45, I threatened to throw away his lamp if he got out of bed again. (Yeah, pathetic, I'm aware.) I'm going to pretend I can't hear him to get myself out of that trap.

8-Month Recap:
Kids: 208
Mom: 0

Dad: hopefully also 0

Don't Name Your Kid After Tony Danza Unless He Got You Pregnant.

I was browsing the web today for some parenting tips because James, my angelic 3.5 year old, has been unbearably uncooperative for the last 2 days. I googled "parenting" and clicked on the most reliable-looking option: Parenting.com.

The homepage offered such a wide variety of insightful headlines that I kinda forgot why I was there. "11 Super-Cute Baby Names for Boys" caught my eye, because I like super-cute anything, and I also believe that expecting parents of baby boys are kind of fucked when it comes to finding an original-but-cool names for their future sons. As a self-proclaimed baby name expert, it was necessary for me to see what they came up with.

Everything was cool until I got to #10 on the "super-cute" list.

Anthony.

Really? That's what we're working with?

Imagine holding your freshly birthed 8-pounder for the first time and thinking, I will call you... Anthony.

Parenting.com went to great lengths to make this one work. With each name suggestion, they include an example of a  current pop culture icon. Picture and bio included.  For this gem, they chose to use Anthony Hopkins, NOT KIDDING, because that's a great selling point. The picture, in my opinion, would be really effective for new parents of elderly men. Check it out for yourself, and while you're there, notice some of the other famous Anthonys mentioned. My favorites are "Tony Danza" and "Anthony 'Tony' Soprano."

If I'm sounding too critical, then let's pump the brakes. I'm not saying Anthony is a bad name.  I think it's an appropriate choice if it's a family name, or if you just happen to really like the way it sounds, or whatever. I take issue with Parenting.com, though, for creating this unimaginative "Top 11" list. Why couldn't they have omitted Anthony and called it a Top 10? I'm suspecting the person who compiled the list is pregnant and hoarding all of the good names for herself and her pregnant friends. Just a thought.

When I was pregnant with James, I would have looked at the Parenting.com website as some sort of authority on parenthood. Pregnant women are a susceptible breed, and picking out your son's name is a huge deal. I remember wondering, what if I pick a name that makes him a doofus? What if all the bad kids in his class have the same name? Is the name I like too ethnic for an Irish kid?

Moral of the story? Baby name lists are kinda cool to look at, but I think they're about as useful as yesterday's Pisces horoscope in my local newspaper, or a $20 replacement warranty for a $30 cordless phone. So until I come across a really good name list, I'd suggest that you run potential baby names by me first, or check with some other rational person that loves you.

50-something and Fabulous

Before the day is officially over, I'd like to publicly wish my mother a happy birthday.

I love you, Ma.

The Imperfectionist

I've been considering joining my town's chapter of The MOMS Club International.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I went to their open house last week, and felt really nervous about it before I arrived. Here are some reasons for my nervousness:

1. I'm young(ish)
2. The technical term for my socioeconomic status is "broke-ass"
3. I don't have a college degree
4. I'm unmarried
5. My kids sometimes wear dirty socks

I pictured the members of the MOMS Club to be older, wealthier, and, well, classier than me. Need a visual? I shamelessly wear un-hooded sweatshirts that used to belong to my dad. Need another? I let my son look at the poop in his diapers because he always asks to see it. Whatever, it's fine with me.

I guess my point is that I'm an imperfectionist, and this even applies to my parenting style. I love my kids probably more than any other parent in the world, but I really believe that kids (and moms) need some slack.

Thankfully, there are apparently tons of other moms adopting a similar perspective. They're calling it Free Range Parenting. Although I wouldn't use that term to describe my specific (or unspecific) parenting style, I think it's back-to-basics approach is fresh, sensible, and ironically progressive.  It's liberating to know that I'm not the only mom who thinks that baby leashes are kind of fucking lame.

I mailed my application to the MOMS Club today. If I'm accepted, I hope the other moms will give me an opportunity that I did not give them: I hope they get to know me before they make assumptions. I have a lot to learn.